Do Looks Matter?

What measures of beauty do Jewish men value when choosing a prospective wife? Some might say that looks matter a great deal. Others might follow the conventional proverbial wisdom that  "beauty is in the eye of the beholder," or that  "true beauty is on the inside!" On Seinfeld, George Costanza's girlfriend Paula, once commented that: "looks aren't important to me." She goes on to tell George that: "You can wear sweatpants. You could drape yourself in velvet, for all I care!" Keeping in mind that beauty is a subjective measure, I would imagine that few men would dismiss physical beauty altogether. 

In the rabbinic world of the Mishnah and the Talmud, the rabbis tend to place particular emphasis on the  role of physical appearance. They exclusively limited beauty to the external body. It is taught in the Talmud that: "שלשה מרחיבין דעתו של אדם, אלו הן: דירה נאה, three things comfort a man, and they are: a beautiful abode, a beutiful bride, and beautiful vessels (B. Berachot 57b)." A beautiful wife, in this case, appears as an extension of a man's house.1 He appreciates her beauty in  the same way that he values the the aesthetic appeal of his property. Rabbi Chiya, a notoriously chauvinistic amora, argues that  women are nothing more than show pieces and baby makers.  

אין אשה אלא ליופי, אין אשה אלא לבנים . . .  אין אשה אלא לתכשיטי אשה . . . . הרוצה שיעדן את אשתו ילבישנה כלי פשתן

A wife is only for beauty, a wife is only to make children . . . and a wife is only for feminine adornments. He who wants to brighten his wife's countenance should clothe her in linen garments (B. Ketubot 59b).

In reading these statements centered on physical attractiveness, we might imagine that husbands chose their wives based almost solely on looks. Defective qualities in a woman included: moles, scars, and irregularities in a woman's breasts (B. Ketubot 75 a-b).2  A woman's character serves little purpose under this mindset. 

When the rabbis detailed their standards for beauty, marriages were arranged by the parents of each party. Men and women who had been fixed up scarcely knew their chosen partner, let alone had the opportunity to converse and get to know the other's inner qualities. This  system necessitated the judgement and consideration of a potential mate based on superficial qualities. For men, a mole mattered more than a kind heart because of the limited opportunity to interact with prospective brides.The culture of arranged marriages set the stage for a society that appreciated superficial and sometimes trivial attributes. 

Notwithstanding the seemingly antiquated rabbinic perception of beauty, one key story from the Mishnah might offer the modern Jew insight on this subject. In tractate Nedarim there is case of a man who vowed not to marry his niece because she was ugly. The story highlights that Rabbi Ishmael brought the girl into his house, and helped uncover her beauty so that the man would agree to marry her. After Ishmael asks the man whether he really vowed that he would not marry the girl, the man responds "no!" The story continues that: 

בְּאוֹתָה שָׁעָה בָּכָה רַבִּי יִשְׁמָעֵאל וְאָמַר, בְּנוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל נָאוֹת הֵן אֶלָא שֶׁהָעֲנִיוּת מְנַוָולְתָן.

At the very same hour, Rabbi Ishmael cried out and said that "all the daughters of Israel are beautiful! It's only that poverty can make them look ugly [on the outside] (Nedarim 9:10). 

Rabbi Ishmael teaches us that all Jewish women possess attributes of beauty. These traits may or may not be outward because cultural destitution obscures them. Because Ishmael helped reveal the beauty of Jewish women in the world, we learn that: 

וּכְשֶׁמֵּת רַבִּי יִשְׁמָעֵאל הָיוּ בְּנוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל נוֹשְׂאוֹת קִינָה וְאוֹמְרוֹת, בְּנוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל אֶל רַבִּי יִשְׁמָעֵאל בְכֶינָה. 

When Rabbi Ishamel died, the daughters of Israel raised a lament and said: "The daughters of Israel weep for Rabbi Iishmael."

The honor due to Ishmael need not only come from the women of Israel. We might see Ishmael's lesson applied for all of humanity. God created all men and women in the image of God. Every individual is beautiful! While we often fail to see beyond the divides and exteriors that mask God's gifts to us, it is up to each person to help uncover the beauty that hides beneath the surface. In searching for love in the world, we might find beauty on someone's outside, but we should never forget to look deeper.

1. 

In rabbinic literature, a man's wife is, in fact, called "ביתו," his house. We learn in Yoma 1:1 that: "בֵּיתוֹ, זוֹ אִשְׁתּוֹ, when 'his house' is referenced, it refers to his wife."

2. 

Because men generally consider large breasts a mark of attraction, the Gemara asks the question: "ומי איכא כי האי גוונא, can such a thing really exist?" The rabbis answer "yes," and present the following hyperbole to demonstrate how such a condition might appear unattractive: "דאמר רבה בר בר חנה: אני ראיתי ערביא אחת, שהפשילה דדיה לאחוריה והניקה את בנה Rabbah bar bar Chanah reported that: I once saw an Arabian woman who slung her breasts behind her and nursed her son (Ketubot 75a)."

The Breakup (Gittin 90a-b)

The bonds that hold relationships and marriages together may seem strong, but sometimes they are more fragile than we are willing to admit.  In our society couples break up for a variety of well-founded reasons. For example: 

-  people fall out of love

- partners realize they are physically incompatible

- one's mental illness might drive the other away

- an individual might be physically abusive to his or her spouse

- one's addiction to drugs or alcohol might push away a partner

Yet trivial things also cause many relationships to end. We often let minor  traits, habits, and circumstances put a wedge between ourselves and our mates. Nothing demonstrates the nature of this culture better than Jerry Seinfeld, who parts ways from his girlfriends for an array of ridiculous reasons:

 - his girlfriend eats one pea at a time

- his friend George accidentally sees his girlfriend naked

- his girlfriend likes a cotton dockers commercial

- his parents like his girlfriend

- his girlfriend has "man-hands"

- his girlfriend is a "sentence-finisher"

Not surprisingly, Jerry never seems to be able to settle down and find the right woman. In the only instance where he finds a girl with whom he thinks he can spend the rest of his life, he breaks up with her because she is "too much like him!" If we follow Jerry's example of always looking for the better deal, we are likely to end up alone. On the other hand,  if we fail to cut the ties of a caustic relationship, we might become wed to misery. 

The Talmudin Gittin  90a-b offers some Jewish wisdom in a debate about what grounds warrant a man to divorce his wife. Hillel and Shamai frame this debate based on the following verse from Torah: 

כִּי-יִקַּח אִישׁ אִשָּׁה, וּבְעָלָהּ; וְהָיָה אִם-לֹא תִמְצָא-חֵן בְּעֵינָיו, כִּי-מָצָא בָהּ עֶרְוַת דָּבָר--וְכָתַב לָהּ סֵפֶר כְּרִיתֻת וְנָתַן בְּיָדָהּ

If a man takes a wife, and he eventually no longer finds her pleasing because of an adulterous matter, he writes her a bill of divorce and puts it into her hand (Deuteronomy 24:1)

The school of Shamai argues for a literal interpretation of the text, and teaches that a man can only divorce his wife on account of an adulterous matter. The school of Hillel, on the other hand, offers a more creative and interpretive reading of the text. Hillel plays on the seemingly superfluous word in the Torah "matter (דָּבָר)." He argues that the text is ambiguous so as to indicate that a man can divorce his wife either on account of adultery (עֶרְוַה), or simply because of any matter at all (דָּבָר). Hillel goes as far as saying that a man can divorce his wife for "burning or over-salting the food that she cooks for him (אפילו הקדיחה תבשילו)!" Seinfeld would appear to be a disciple of Hillel in regard to permissible reasons for ending relationships. 

The discussion in the Gemara ends by relating a parallel teaching intended to shape this whole debate. Rav Yochanan teaches that "שנאוי המשלח, the one who sends away his wife without a compelling reason is despised by God!" This opinion appears as somewhat of a middle ground between Shamai and Hillel. There will be reasons other than adulterous matters (ערוות דבר) that marriages should end, but the grounds for divorce should not be frivolous (like a wife who burns her husbands cooking). 

While Hillel and Shamai refer specifically to cases of matrimonial divorce, we might consider this lesson as a model for all romantic relationships. When we commit ourselves to another person, we invest our trust, our emotions, and our physical selves. Such a covenant leaves both parties emotionally and spiritually vulnerable. When we find it necessary to break up with our partners, let us not forget to do so with a heightened sensitivity to the feelings of our significant others.  Rav Elezar teaches us at the end of this section that"כל מגרש אשתו רשונה אפילו מזבח מורד עליו דמעות, when a man divorces his wife, he causes the Temple altar to be covered in God's tears." The spark of God exists within every friendship and relationship. When we dissolve the bonds that tie two people together, we extinguish that spark. In endingrelationships, we should do so with compassion, and not out of spite and levity. 

It's a Must Lie Situation

We grow up learning that honesty always trumps lying. When we begin to mature, we discover nuanced situations where a little white lie is more honorable than the truth. Seinfeld describes this as a "must lie situation," a time when avoiding the truth causes no damage, whereas honesty can come off as offensive or hurtful. In the Seinfeld episode "The Hamptons," Jerry and Elaine meet their friends' baby and find that he is "one ugly baby." When the parents inquire: "isn't he gorgeous?" Jerry and Elaine find that they are confronted by a "must lie situation;" wincing in comical disgust, Jerry fibs: "so very gorgeous!" 

The Torah teaches that we should "distance ourselves from lies (Exodus 23:7)," but what happens when like Jerry and Elaine we find ourselves in a situation where a white lie  is seemingly necessary? Unsure whether the idea of a white lie is even tenable, the rabbis in the Talmud debate whether complete honesty is the best policy. 

Shamai and Hillel––the two classical contending talmudic foes––debate this issue by posing the following question in the second chapter of Ketubot (16b-17a): What do you say to the bride at the time of dancing at a wedding? They add that we are talking about a bride who has some sort of physical defect like a limp leg or a blind eye (הרי שהיתה חיגרת או סומא). 

Shamai says:  כלה כמות שהיא , praise her as she actually is. This is to say that you should avoid mentioning any blemish and try to praise something about her that is worthy of praise (perhaps her shoes)

Hillel on the other hand would be in agreement with Seinfeld in that "it's a must lie situation!"

Hillel says:  כלה נאה וחסודה, in all cases, tell her that she is a beautiful and graceful bride. Brides dress up and adorn themselves in jewelry with the expectation that they will receive praise from their wedding guests;  it is therefore an implicit obligation of those around her to make her feel the way that she wants to feel. In the same way, Jerry and Elaine saw it fitting to answer the parents of the ugly baby with an answer that they wanted to hear. 

The discussion about this scenario centers on two values which appear at odds with one another: honesty and graciousness. In the end, the rabbis (as per usual) side with Hillel and prefer that one tell a white lie to be gracious rather than tell the truth and be rude. The sages conclude that:  לעולם תהא דעתו של אדם מעורבת עם הבריות, a person's mind should always be attune with people. Giving someone an unfitting compliment about a quality that they see in themselves should be considered an act of compassion. But in the end, whether or not it's  appropriate to do so depends on the person and the situation.